a song you may be aware of from Radiohead’s Kid A cd is “how to disappear completely.” Kid A was the first cd that i can claim to be an actual “soundtrack” for my life. i mean before Kid A there was tons of great music from tons of great bands that influenced my life greatly. but Kid A was the first cd to actually become intertwined with my own reality and existance. and the track “how to disappear completely” was a paramount song in this coexistance of all the good stuff and bad that was holding my life together at the time.
it was released in october i believe, in 2000, and i remember it was cold outside when i bought it. i played it on the way home in my car. this act of opening a new cd and playing it in the car on the way to wherever you’re going is one of the most sacred acts we used to have. especially when it’s just you alone in the car. after you fight that damn plastic wrapper off of the jewel case and get to the treasure inside, you pop it into the cd for the first time. the virgin play! then it’s just you, the road, and songs that have never touched your ears before. kinda like the new touch from an exciting woman you’ve just met. it’s hard to get the same sensation from downloading files from the net, but se la vie!
anyways, i remember listening to it on the way home and thinking, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT I JUST PAID 11.99 FOR??!! it didn’t make any sense to me on the ride home, and i’m still not sure if it’s a good “riding in your car” cd, but i resisted the temptation to fast forward to the familiar single that was playing on the radio at the time and i made it back to my place.
i was staying with my brother and his wife at the time, and pretty much living in the 10×10 backroom that i had all my worldly possessions crammed into. it was a very very depressing time in my life, my cousin mikey had died a year earlier, i just broke up with my girlfriend, my cousin chris whom i was previously sharing an apartment with split after he got his girlfriend pregnant. and all my friends lived kinda far away. it was also during the whole after-graduating-college-what-the-fuck-do-i-do-now phase alot of us go through. and compounded with all the other shit going on, it was probably one of the lowest points in my short lived life on this planet. Enter Kid A:
i worked afternoon shift at the time and i got home kinda late when my brother and his wife were already asleep. i decided to start writing again. poetic essays you could call them, but it was a much needed outlet and so i would make my way to my tiny little backroom, close the door, and fire up the computer. of course i did always manage to pour myself a severly strong mixture of Crown Royal Canadian Whiskey and Coke to aid me in this venture, my bro never new any was missing! so there i was, sitting at the computer, languishing at what to write while sipping on the sauce. and it occurred to me that i should give that Kid A cd another chance. so i did. and this time it grabbed me like no other cd has grabbed me before or since. i was paralyzed by its beauty and madness, its incoherance and clarity, it boldness and its vagueness at the same time. it spoke directly to my fucked up soul.
i wrote for hours! and i would continue to repeat this ritual every night after work with the kid a cd playing into my headphones set on repeat. it was heaven inside of hell, if that makes any sense. it was exactly what i needed at exactly the right point in my life. it helped me reassess everything i thought i wanted to do with my life. it made things clearer than i had ever seen them. it helped heal. it helped.
today i just got done reading “killing yourself to live” by Chuck Klosterman, a decent book i must say. one thing that he mentioned in the book was how Kid A was the soundtrack to september 11 2001. i don’t know if this is entirely accurate. but he does make a compelling argument. what he did remind me of though, was those cold nights where all i had was a keyboard, a screen, crown royal, and Kid A playing in my headphones. the closest i’ve ever been to heaven. he also reminded me of when i heard the song “how to disappear completely” and how it made me think of my cousin mikey laying there in the casket. “i’m not here, this isn’t happening.”
i miss you mikey.
-steve
This week’s BOTW comes to us from Austin. These guys/girls are one of my favorite bands. Usually when I am scanning my ipod in a daze and I can’t figure out what I want to listen to, for some reason, I always land on Balmorhea. Their music puts me in a great mood. I highly recommend buying their cds and experiencing it with no distractions. It’s worth every penny.
